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Ask Anne: Relationship AdviceAsk Anne:
Relationship Questions

Reader Comment #1

Sat, Dec 14th 2002

Mark had this to say about one of my answers from last month: Anne, I'd like to comment on your answer to Porn #1, (11/7/02). While there are certainly valid points about the boyfriend being thoughtless, it is, in my opinion, much less of an issue with men than women think. Your response was that she should burn the cd's, remove access etc. These are very controlling behaviors that really don't serve to initiate intimacy. There are indications from the writer that her boyfriend is thoughtful, and caring and a good guy. This is the same person who happens to like viewing by her standards unsuitable material. Unless he has coerced or made demands on her that she feels are inappropriate, or has ignored her in person and in deed, all he is really guilty of is reading material she doesn't like. Would you have the same answer if she was reading ultra feminist radical literature, but didn't force her viewpoints on him? Men are very visual, and have been for millions of years and that won't change. What is also true, contrary to feminist viewpoint, is that most healthy adult males do NOT fantasize or wish their partners to be the models in question. They generally keep the real world and the fantasy world completely separate, and inflict no harm, either verbally, or emotionally on their significant other as a result of their viewing habits. What this really is about, also in my opinion, is her controlling behavior, her demand for perfection in her mate, her somewhat low self esteem, his inability to communicate how much he esteems her (otherwise she'd be more secure)and his inability to be more considerate using a shared system. These are the problems in this relationship, the material is only the catalyst to the solution. This is much too short of a forum to discuss this-I just wanted to provide another viewpoint. Thank you.



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